In October 2019 I decided, after seven years of giving readings, to stop sharing my knowledge of Human Design in the form of one on one sessions. The decision came very suddenly, but it was quite definitive. I cancelled the standing appointments I had and wrote to those who had just sent in a request that I would not be able to meet them.
My timing was rather interesting. Just the day before, the interview I did for a Dutch language podcast had been published. The response was very enthusiastic and my planner would have been full for the coming months, had I not immediately also posted an announcement of my – let’s call it a – sabbatical.
This only verified for me how determined I was in my decision. It was not a choice made based on anything that was happening outside myself, it was a shift within. The energy to give readings had been draining away for a while. During a session I was always full of energy, so excited to share and be heard, so happy to be able to offer guidance. This was the reason I had always kept offering them. I didn’t understand how something that felt so good and was so right for me, could be something I needed to let go.
And yet, I had started dreading checking my inbox. I started feeling so much pressure working within a time limit. I resented presenting myself as an eager entrepreneur when in fact I did not enjoy working with money and I hated the feeling of having to promote myself.
On the day when it was finally enough, it was not really a choice. Not anymore. It had been a choice as I had been mulling it over in my head the months prior to my decision, but once it was made, I surrendered to what it was rather than actively deciding.
And then a few weeks ago, a similar movement happened. I was checking my inbox, as I sometimes would do. Requests for readings still came in sometimes, even after a year of my inactivity. I read one request and suddenly I felt, you know what, I would like to do that.
This movement, too, had been building up for a while. October and November had been dreadful months for me. I don’t remember ever having been as low in my life. I felt absolutely miserable, to the point where I felt ill, weak and capable of nothing at all. I was giving up on myself. Giving up on the possibility of my ever being any form of successful. I have been tired most of my life, sometimes I have come to understand to some degree through knowing my Human Design – I am a Projector with zero defined motors, if there is no energy exchange for me, then there is no energy. And much of my life actually fruitful energy exchanges have been rare.
Now, with Corona urging us all to go inward, the energy flow seemed to have completely to a stop. By the Fall of this year I reached a zero point. It felt like there would never be energy again. It felt like nothing I had been dreaming of accomplishing for years would ever come to be. I am tearing up as I write this, because this is truly my greatest fear. That is where I arrived, to the realisation of my worst nightmare. What if I would never be anyone. There was a spark in me that would always know the truth – that I am already everything even when I am nothing – but that felt meaningless with the light at the end of the tunnel completely out of sight.
Then one day in the beginning of December, everything changed. I was on a videocall with my friends – some the people who believe in me most in the world – and I told them about this darkness I was emerged in. I told them I was afraid I would never be able to express the truth that I felt living in me. That I could no longer believe that I would ever be heard. They responded with a simple invitation, saying, tell us now. Tell us your truth now. And I did, I spilled it all out on the metaphorical floor in front of us. After I was done they asked for more. There was more. And even more after that. They listened, held space for me, and told me they appreciated my words, the tone of my voice and the clarity with which I shared them. By the time we hung up I felt lifted. Like literally, I had been lifted out of the mud I had been lying and and I could see the sun shining above the surface again.
In the days after that I felt frighteningly fragile. I was out of the darkness, but for how long. What was this new feeling, and how long would it last? I felt like I had been picked up by a wave, but I was terrified that it would simply drop me again. For a few days I drifted in these new waters, holding myself delicately. And then things started to happen. I took steps to get moving with projects I had in my mind for a long time. A close friend and I invited each other into an exciting collaboration. Another collaborative project that was taking shape started taking serious steps forward. And I felt excitement to start giving readings again. Like a switch had flipped, several requests for readings came in and I answered them with an eager “yes!”
It is like a very pure source of energy has opened up within me. It is not even an energy exchange, because it is all my own. It moves me towards others, but it also allows me to move on my own. Perhaps not as busily and effectively as a Generator or a Manifestor would, but the energy flow is no less real and true for it. It feels exactly like the Projector Power I have been talking about for years. I have always experienced hints of it, but now it really feels like the dams have broken through. I feel a natural fervor alive in me. A fire has roared into life. Like a lighthouse that shines a light on all that is possible and at the same time provides the fuel I need to make it happen.
It’s not like everything suddenly goes smoothly and perfectly. I am still quite careful with myself. I am staying close to myself and my own flow. Anytime I rush myself, my brain shortcircuits. Then I slow down again, take the pressure off and remember that there is plenty of time. It’s almost too easy to get overwhelmed, because now I have several projects running at the same time. I know myself well enough by now that I work best when I focus on one thing for the day. It is beautiful that there is energy and that there is so much that I am excited about and eager to work on, but I am still a turtle and not a hare. I take it one step at a time, one day at a time. I trust in the deep truth that lives inside me and I always move from there.
Your presence here, reading this right now, is of great support to me. If you feel moved, please leave a comment here or on my other platforms. Everything is still under construction, but my inbox is always open. I am curious about your questions and reaction. If you are interested in a reading, go to my Readings page or send me a message. Thank you for being here with me. Much love.